How am I going to do this?

I did what I tell myself never to do. I GOOGLED!!!! My mom always say just google something if you have a question so I did, and now I wish I could ungoogle! I think most of you know that Jared and I have decided to go through with the surgery. So I googled what to expect with Brian Surgery. I was browsing sites when I found Moms of Epileptic seizure disorder. So many brave parents have posted what their children have went through and it is just horrible. I just can't imagine putting Bailey through this. I don't know how I am going to get through this. I am trying to be strong, really strong but everything I keep telling my self on why we are doing this is just not working right now. I had a really good week last week of holding it together but last night I just started to have a panic attack. We have spoke with the doctors and they want us to schedule for Sept. and we will have a firm date by July 14th. Again I don't know how I am going to do this. That is only 2 months away! Just since June 29th Bailey has had two medication increases, 5 doctor appts. and 103 seizures. She has these really awful cluster seizures now where she can have 12 seizures in about 2 mins. and never really comes out of one before the next one starts. So I do understand that this surgery needs to happen but when we are having a really cute moment where Bailey can finally be herself (after nap time) I just look at her and she is  perfect and I don't want to change that.
          
                     I just have to say one funny thing that happened through this crazy week. Bailey had given me a black nose with a water bottle that she threw, and when took I her in to get her Immunizations our sweet new Pediatrician looked at me and said Is everything okay at home? I looked at him and was puzzled why he would even ask this, and then realized that my face was black and blue. I just started laughing!!